Not Meant to Be
by Jules Hawk
Summary: Kaidan Alenko knew he'd lost the woman he once loved, she'd moved on and he was happy for her. All he needed to do was tell her. This is an out take from my fic Careful What you Wish For, from Kaidan's POV. Previous Shenko, current Shega. A different take on the Apollo Cafe scene. Bioware owns all things ME.
_Major Kaidan Alenko, human Spectre, powerful biotic and Alliance marine. Come and join him in the fight to save the galaxy._

Kaidan scoffed at the recruiting poster. It wasn't a good picture of him, which gave him some anonymity. It used to be Shepard on those posters. She had the right to be there. He'd simply stood at her side until the Normandy SR1 went down.

He turned away from the poster, leant on the rail and looked down over the Presidium Commons. The damage from the Cerberus attack had almost disappeared, life slowly returned to normal, the normal where everyone buried their heads in the sand and tried to ignore the looming threat to the galaxy. Someone leant on the rail beside him and he didn't have to look to know who.

'Kaidan.'

'Garrus.'

'Didn't take long for them to fix things,' he waved a talon absently across the view.

'I think the Keepers have done most of the work.'

'Yeah, I sometimes wonder if we should be more worried about them,' he watched two Keepers working on a console for a moment before turning his back to the view and leaning his elbows on the rail. 'I see you've made the recruiting posters.'

Kaidan glanced over his shoulder, 'seems so, don't know why.'

'You're a good soldier, Kaidan,' Garrus nudged him gently. 'Spectre, biotic, instructor and from what I've been told attractive to human women.'

'Are you flirting with me, Garrus?' Kaidan smirked under raised eyebrows.

'No,' the turian shook his head and scoffed, 'you're not my type.'

'What, I don't have enough reach or is it flexibility you're after?' Kaidan laughed as Garrus' mandibles flared. 'Shepard told me how turians prepare for missions.'

'Hmm, might have to have words with her.' He turned sideways and Kaidan fought not to squirm under his penetrating gaze. 'So things are good with you two.'

'As friends, yes.' He turned to face Garrus, resting his hip against the railing as he leant on an elbow. 'It's all we'll ever be now, I destroyed anything that might have been.'

'It wasn't easy for her, after coming back from the dead, after Horizon.'

'I know, and I didn't help,' he let his eyes wander for a moment. 'But she's happy now, with James.'

'Is that a problem.'

'No. She needs someone who trusts her, who she can trust.' He returned to leaning on the rail, facing the view. 'I thought it might have been you taking my place.'

'Me and Shepard are friends, good friends but that's all we'll ever be.'

'He does make her happy, doesn't he?'

'Happier than I've seen her for a long time,' Garrus copied his stance. 'It took her a while to let him in but once she did … let's just say she's focussed and more determined.' Garrus looked sideways at him, 'he worries about you being a threat.'

'I've seen the way she looks at him, Garrus,' he chuckled and dropped his head. 'He has nothing to worry about.'

'That's what I told him but maybe he needs to hear it from you.'

A message popped up on Kaidan's omnitool and he straightened up, 'seems Shepard is free for lunch. I offered to pay if she had time.' He shook his head as Garrus' mandibles tightened against his face, 'just as friends, to clear the air.'

'Okay then,' Garrus straightened up and they fell into step as they headed for the elevator. 'Good luck with that.'

Kaidan glanced at the menu, surprised that Apollos could still get such good supplies. His thoughts wandered though and his eyes gazed across the Commons. There was a definite change in the air, an underlying tension, and from overhearing conversations he knew people were worried.

They should have been worried two years ago. Shepard tried to warn them, did her best to make those who had the power see what was coming. When she died everything disappeared into the ether, shoved under the rug and left to lie undisturbed. Even he had been sidelined and while a lot of that had been his own state of mind those in command wanted to keep him quiet, to stop his calls for deeper investigations. He knew the Geth didn't destroy the SR1 but you can only beat your head against a brick wall for so long. In the end he gave up.

He was lost without Shepard. He loved her, still did in some way, but she'd gone and he had to continue on. It took him a while to realise that he still had some power, there were opportunities available to him and he wrapped his hands around them and held on tight. The memories and grief didn't hurt as much when he focussed on his job. One day he woke up and understood that he could live without Shepard, that the pain would always be there but it gave him strength just like she always had.

Then Horizon happened. It tossed him back into a maelstrom of confusion, doubt and pain. His love for her died a thousand deaths that day. His image of the woman shattered, too blinded by his anger to understand she hadn't changed. The fight for the truth, the defence of the innocent and the ability to protect those who refused to see were the things she'd always believed in. It drove her, and for a while he'd been carried along on her wave of sheer determination and strength. She was Commander Shepard, a legend, an icon of everything right.

When he walked away from her he wasn't walking away from the woman, he believed was walking away from the legend gone wrong. The woman underneath buried too deep and he didn't know if he had the strength to fight for her. In hindsight he should have. He should have taken the chance but pride, pain and mistrust forced him to make other choices, a regret he would live with for the rest of his life.

A couple arguing grabbed his attention. A smile graced his lips as he listened to them arguing over their children. He'd wanted that once, with Shepard. He still did, but now he knew it would be with someone else. When the Reapers attacked Earth he'd just watched her walk away, heading towards a destiny she couldn't avoid. In that moment he realised he loved a memory. The woman he loved had died over Alchera. Yes, it was her, he knew that, but she would never be the same to him, just as he would never be the same to her.

He had a habit of saying the wrong thing when it came to her and Mars only reinforced that. He hadn't really mistrusted her, his own guilt got the better of him. She hadn't changed. That determination and drive was still there, a powerful force that needed someone strong and unwavering. Too many missed moments had passed for it to be him. And then the Citadel coup where he'd held a gun to her face, how could she trust him after all he'd done. And yet she did.

'Penny for them, Major.'

He lifted his eyes to see Shepard looking down at him, a soft smile on her face that still made his heart flutter but it didn't make it sing. She was beautiful but she wasn't his any more.

'Just thinking about how many moments have brought us to this point.' He watched her sit and pick up the menu. 'There's no Canadian Lager on it,' he grinned as she frowned at the menu. 'Remember when we drank a few of those on my parent's balcony?'

'Yeah, I don't think your dad was happy to come home and find his fridge empty.' She grinned and placed the menu on the table. 'Those were good times.'

'We've had a few of those,' Kaidan sat back and watched as she nodded. She had welcomed him back, made him feel at home even though he'd hurt her deeply. 'I thought we might take some time to talk, give ourselves a sanity check.'

'Good idea,' she waited until the waiter had taken their order before continuing. 'Anything in particular.'

'Us,' he saw her flinch even though she tried to cover it by shifting in her seat. 'We've been through a lot, Shepard,' he folded his hands on the table and met her eyes. 'Those memories will always have a special place in my heart, you will always have a special place in my heart.' His eyes wandered and he looked back to see her brow furrowed.

'But …?'

'My life flashed before me on Mars, the future actually,' he paused, it still hurt and walking away was never easy. 'I want you to be happy, Shepard, and I don't think you can do that with me.'

'I don't hate you Kaidan.' She reached out and took his hand.

'I know, you have every right to but that's not who you are.' He closed his fingers around hers, longing sprung up in his chest but it wasn't love, and that saddened him a little. 'You see people differently, you understand them even when we don't understand ourselves. You're special and you need someone who believes in you implicitly. Don't get me wrong,' he held up his free hand as she raised her eyebrows at him, 'I believe in you … .'

'But you don't love me, at least not like you used to.'

Their hands separated as the waiter brought their order.

'I still love you Shepard,' she sucked in a breath as he continued, 'but as a friend, I think that's all we will ever be and I am grateful for that. I stuffed up, I accept that and if there was the slightest possibility of us I would fight like hell … .' For a moment he wondered and hoped but they were beyond that now.

'Good friends,' she smiled and he nodded.

'Yeah, I'd like that.'

'Me too,' she laughed as she stole a chip from his plate.

'So,' he picked up his steak sandwich, 'you and James huh?' He grinned as she almost choked on her food.

'What about me and James?'

'You look good together,' he laughed as she gaped at him. 'He makes you happy.'

'Yes, he does,' she let out a long sigh before a grin broke out as he stared at her. 'It wasn't intentional, I didn't go looking for a relationship, with what's coming and what's happened in the past, but there he was.' She paused and dropped her eyes to the table. 'I didn't think you and me would work any more, we've both changed too much, I think our paths separated when the SR-1 went down and I honestly believed you had moved on.'

'What makes you think it will work this time when it hasn't before?'

'Experience, practice,' she shook her head and laughed as she dived into her salad.

'Don't waste your time,' he leant over and nudged her shoulder, 'be a little selfish.'

'Funny, Garrus told me the same thing.'

'Always knew he was a smart turian.'

Kaidan took pleasure in how relaxed they were around each other. It felt good and he believed they could be better as friends than they ever were as lovers. Funnily enough that made him truly happy. Being able to sit with Shepard, talk about everyday things, just be together without pressure felt right. He was a little disappointed when the meal ended but the connection between them seemed stronger, more comfortable and he could live with that.

He stood up to leave and Shepard followed, pulling him into a hug, holding him for a moment and he knew it was a goodbye to their past and a welcome to their future.

'I'm glad we did this, Kaidan,' she said, her arms sliding down his and her finger lingering over his.

'Me too,' he squeezed her fingers gently. 'I'll see you back on the Normandy.'

He turned to walk away and saw James watching them from the upper level. Doubt and fear clouded the big man's face and Kaidan could almost see him shaking. With lighter steps and a healed heart Kaidan walked towards him.

'Major,' Cortez nodded in greeting, his eyes glancing from him to James and Kaidan knew he was concerned for his friend.

'Cortez,' he acknowledged the pilot, 'James,' he placed his hand on the muscled shoulder and felt the tension underneath his fingers. 'Take care of her, James,' wide eyes met his and he chuckled. 'If you don't you'll have lots of people after you, including me. She's special and deserves to be treated as such.'

'I know,' he said softly, his eyes looking over Kaidan's shoulder where Shepard was watching.

'Good,' Kaidan dropped his hand and walked away.

'See, told you there was nothing to worry about,' Steve slapped him on the back, 'now go get your girl.'

Kaidan grinned as he heard the pilot and jumped in surprise when Cortez suddenly caught up to him.

'Thank you, sir.'

'He's good for her,' Kaidan flicked a glance sideways, 'and we're off duty Cortez, lose the sir.'

'Yes, sir,' Cortez laughed and shook his head. 'So, Alenko, have any plans for the afternoon?'

'Are you asking me out, Steve?'

'No, not unless you want me to,' he grinned and Kaidan laughed softly. 'I have to go check on some mods for the armoury which includes some tech enhancements, thought you might be interested. If you don't have anything better to do.'

'Lead the way,' Kaidan waved his arm forward and Steve nodded as they fell into step.

'Yes, sir.'


End file.
